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past&present speak up crédits basecode: detonatedlove♥ pictures: photobucket designer: vanessa |
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
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Life goes on even for a laughingstock.
Mocks week came and gone. Receiving the results is like getting hit by a train traveling at 210km/hour. REPEATEDLY. I realise that I haven't been giving enough towards my studies. I hate the fact that I have an extremely high possibility of failing. I hate the fact even more that I know it, but haven't done anything to remedy it. I have never given anything I dabbled in 100%, the times when I do, are stuffs that doesn't matter in life or aren't significant enough. The skills I have, aren't even sufficient enough to pull me through life. I might have to roll and beg along Petaling Street in the future to make ends meet. God, that is depressing. Someone told me today that we shouldn't compare ourselves with other people, we should compare with ourselves and only ourselves. To some people, comparisons will allow them to achieve greater heights, others deem themselves worthless and useless; ending up being depress. Or, for some, they are just completely immune and couldn't careless about it. I have always hated comparisons, I am an individual. However, as humans, we are never satisfied and are often hypocritical. I set crazy standards for myself jolly well knowing that I will not be able to achieve them in my lifetime. I compare myself to people who excel in everything they do, EFFORTLESSLY. True to my nature, I condemn myself for being all the vocabularies that starts or ends with either UN- or -LESS; and do NOTHING about it. When I try extremely hard to excel in a single subject, and thought that I have done well when others said that they would fail, or they knew nothing about the question; reality would decide to prove me wrong. While getting the results, they would excel or even get full marks, where as me on the other hand, barely passed. I'm not jealous, complaining or whining, I'm genuinely happy for them; but I can't help feeling hurt, sad even useless. It is especially more evident when they ask about your marks, when you feel like hiding or incinerate that particular paper; it's like as though you are the jester of your common peers. Your job is to have people laugh at your STUPIDITY. I'm not bitter at other people's smartness, but I'm bitter at my own (lack of) intelligence. I'm a LAUGHINGSTOCK. I'm extremely stressed. Even though I appear calm, relax and not bothered, I'm actually a bundle of nerves inside. I'm afraid of failure. Not much of my future, but more of parents. My parents may not show that that actually expect a lot from me, but I know that they do. I do not want to fail them. Looking around me lately, it has finally hit me that I have nothing concrete planned for my future. People getting scholarships and being accepted to well-renowned institutes; securing a good foundation for their future, knowing exactly what they want to achieve in their life. It's like a slap in the face, I'm on a one way trip to Failure-land with unknown curbs and turns. It's such a sad fact that how ones results(by how many As' one can achieve), degree of choice and where the degree is from matters to the eyes of the society and all. Education is about learning and gaining experiences and knowledge. It is a journey of both spiritually and physically. And not be driven by a common goal of being the richest or the smartest, or BOTH. Why has the society of today make it seem like a rat race that our lives depends on it? Yet, they question the increased rates of student suicide and depression. I wonder and question a lot about/on their sanity. I'm happy for you all who know and have at least achieve a little of your future and ambitions. I wish you all the best. I hate that I have nothing tangible of my future. Yet, I'm doing absolutely nothing about it. The every fact that I contradict myself, proves the malfunction of me as a person in life. I hate that I'm such a disappointment and failure. I hate that the rat race matters to me that much for me to write this post. Plainly put, My life is screwed up by choice. If Life and it's Choices was a subject in college, I would most likely fail it with flying colours. At the end of the day, no matter what, LIFE GOES ON, like a never-ending cycle.  |
THE girl
 its me I dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die. I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Then I was young and unafraid. And dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid. No song unsung, no wine untasted. byes(:
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